David John

We would have met him by now. We would have had a little boy in our family by today.

But, we don't.

We learned on September 21 that his heart was not beating.

That news stuns me every time. This time, the third, I could again feel the choking sobs starting and only composed myself long enough to exit the ER door of the hospital and get to my van.

In the van I somehow felt secure and free to let it all out. Strange, but that's where I continue to have the most "real" moments of grief still today.

I love this picture of the next day, September 22.

I needed some air and just sat in our yard. The girls played and Kate took to combing my hair. Her tender touch was so soothing and comforting.

Izzy's playfulness was a gift to watch.

Can't help but smile a little even though I had a child within that I couldn't smile at or cuddle or feed or sing to. To be able to do all these things again was fixed in my mind and heart as real possibilities. All I had to do was wait till March. It was going to be a long, but best wait of my life. The hope, the dreams, the future were well formed in my head and we started talking about all the good changes that we would be allowed to experience as a family. What a surprise gift for us!

Every day I die a little more to those dreams.

Grief is so powerful. It has touched every part of my being. No part of my life (physical, emotional, spiritual, relational) is the same as before that excruciatingly painful time. Sleep, dreams, mood, energy, appetite, ability to think and communicate clearly, basic functioning - are all effected. And only time passing, choosing to trust the Lord who loves me deeply, and the constant active love of people around me has helped me move through the pain.

So here we are. We are a changed family.

In the last few years we have experienced a lot of hurt and grief. Grief piled on top of grief on top of grief.

But that's not the whole story. We love each other. A lot. We are open to what these circumstances and experiences are calling forth from us. More love. More compassion. More empathy. More calling on God's grace and the power of the Holy Spirit to help see us through.

I love the five of us and I love those children we conceived whom we never met.

I know that they are somehow enfolded in the Father's arms and hanging out with this guy.

I would say there are in good company.

Dishes with Jerry

One of the blessings about not having a dishwasher.....

Who am I kidding? The ONLY blessing about not having a dishwasher is that we have built-in quality time with each other every day of the week right after dinner. We have a rotating schedule of chores and one lucky girl gets to spend some time with dad each night as they wash, dry, and put away the dishes by hand.

In order to make the time go by easily and to distract from the actual chore part of the chore, we've taken to listening to comedy routines via our "Jerry Seinfeld" Pandora station.

Here's a favorite one from Mr. Seinfeld. I know the Olympics are already a distant memory, but I think we can all get a chuckle out of this.



Let me tell you - some of our funniest family moments are generated by these sketches. Laughter over dishes works wonders.

And what's more, Kate seems to have a knack for memorizing this stuff and just pulls it out of her brain at the right moments to lighten the mood around her.

Maybe that's the Second Blessing of not having a dishwasher.

It will take me a looooooong time to think of a third. So I won't.

The "M" Word

I came across the video below while scrolling through facebook posts.

It's about the evolution of the bikini. And it's about Modesty.

I was immediately intrigued. Modesty in swimwear is a phrase that I am very conscious of as a mother of three girls, but I don't have much to reference in society that upholds and supports it as a value for girls and women. Just taking a walk through Target after Christmas was eye-opening with the displays of swimwear prominently positioned for all to see.  Buying a magazine at the airport last week was tricky. Do I really need to see three behinds staring me in the face as I am trying to choose good reading material for my flight? That SI swimsuit issue is terrible. And yet, its right there for all to see. What's worse is three women thought it was ok to pose that way, in those "suits".

I wonder how mothers and fathers of sons handle this topic.

Anyway, I appreciate the message that Jessica Rey offers - I mean, this is pretty counter-cultural. The fact that it is even brought up and shared across the country is amazing, I think.

The Godly Truth About Bikinis - FINALLY Someone Gets It! from sharethemessage on GodTube.

I plan to show it to my daughters and know for sure that one will light up when Jessica references Ms. Hepburn as the design inspiration for her line of swimwear.

Here's some more food for thought.

Swimsuit weather is still a ways off in my neck of the woods, but it's never too early to start (or continue, in my case) the conversation about modesty.

Last Week, Her Version

This was my home for the week.

I vacationed with friends and sisters in the People of Praise in beautiful laid back Marco Island, Florida.

I had my morning prayer times here. Somehow this space was more inspirational than my deck back home.

On one of our excursions, I enjoyed this view of the Gulf as we meandered up to Naples.

I marveled at the size of the homes once we were in sight of Naples.

 I mean, these are worth multi-millions of dollars.We're talking 47.5 million. Numbers like that.

They are sprawling mansions. They seem to go on forever. 

Who lives here? No idea. I saw only one person who looked like a resident in our whole tour of the waterways. Kind of sad, if you ask me.

Coming in to Naples, I briefly thought we made a wrong turn and were in Europe.

We ate lunch at a burger joint and headed back home.

This is the tiki hut at the Marriott that provided the necessary shade for my pasty white skin for our day on the beach.

The friendly server cruising around in her beverage cart provided a cool mojito while I relaxed under the shade to protect my purplish whitish freckled blotchy Irish skin.

This is the beach where I found a few shells to bring home as evidence I was really there. Only one broke en-route to Minnesota.

This is where my husband would have spent his entire week, morning, noon and night, if he were with me. He could live on a boat or be content to watch the waves roll in for hours.

These are the Burrowing Owls that live 1/2 block from our rented house. Mom and Pop Owl kept a close eye on passersby and photographers like me who tried to get a close up view.

These are the kids who reminded me of home when I toured the Botanical Gardens in Naples.

Does anything beat a tree-house for fun?

These are the butterflies I managed to capture in the Butterfly House.

This is the mini-garden that reminded me of mine back home. One that is covered under feet of snow and, at this rate, am likely to not see til August.

This is the planter that reminded me of  our toilet back home. It's also blue. Some may say "vintage". I just say "old and needs to be replaced." And you wouldn't catch me dead placing it in the yard sprouting elephant ear plants for all to see.

These are just some funky flowers I liked.

This one is called "Blue Tango." Cool name.

These trees have prickly personalities.They scream, "Don't mess with me!"

These giant lily pads are made of legos. Kind of random.

This is the flower that reminded my girls of koosh balls. Remember the 90's and koosh balls?

This path is a popular aisle for weddings. I was reminded of my lilacs back home. Which I won't see for ages.

This sign didn't scare me at all.

I mean, don't I look right at home cozying up to this little guy?

Really. Despite all appearances, I have never been more calm.

See? I am happy to be holding this guy. I could do this all day long. I could bring him home. For a pet.

No, that wouldn't go over well. I had a pet salamander once and he met with a dreadful end. 

This is a baby alligator's ear.

He also has two sets of eyelids. Reminded me of the creature from Men In Black that blinks two ways at Will Smith.  Creepy.

This is the air boat we took to spot more alligators. My seat was up front, on the edge. I felt adventurous and totally vulnerable.

This is the captain who manned the boat and told corny jokes to keep us entertained. For a minute there I thought I was in an episode of Duck Dynasty.

This is the big mama we stopped to observe. She looks happy and relaxed. She is also protecting her 23 babies tucked away somewhere in those trees.

This is the part of the tour where the captain said, "Are you all okay about snakes? If we see a kingfisher, then there are no snakes in these trees."

Please, Lord, make a kingfisher just appear. Please. I can't tell you how hard I prayed to see a kingfisher. Never in my life would I expect to do that. But I did. It worked. One kingfisher in sight. No snakes. 

This is the alligator that the captain beckoned to come and say Hi to us.

Just a little guy. You know. 12 or 13 feet long. No big deal.

Yes, please Mr. Alligator. Come closer so I can get a better look. (My feet were tucked way into the boat at this point.)

That's a marshmallow the captain tossed to lure this guy closer. Yes, please, Mr. Captain, drop them as close to the boat as you can. On my side. So I can get a real close look at those teeth.

Ok. You are just crazy.

 Really? Petting his nose?

At this point I went to my happy place in my mind.

Yes, that's much better.

Next day was the travel day.

My final hours in Florida included an extra long wait at the airport.

This is the last item of luxury I enjoyed before heading to the Frozen Tundra.

This is what I left. Lush. Green. Water. Sun. Mojitos. Delicious seafood. Dolphins. Wonderful fellowship with friends. Alligators.

This is what I woke to a couple hours later. No need to explain the difference.

 

Yep, I am really home.

Thank You, Lord, for a relaxing, fun, adventurous, blessed trip!